underground survival

i love london dwelling human. london dwelling human has many different faces and voices and foods. london dwelling human is fascinating.

but london dwelling human is also a conundrum. take for example, ‘public transport’.

all you really need from a tube map, the londonist

if you took london dwelling human out of london and made it wait for once-a-day-bus in some country backwater, london dwelling human would probably explode. and that’s before asking london dwelling human to decipher out-of-london-bus-timetable! you might therefore expect london dwelling human to be so appreciative of the rather excellent underground train system (or ‘tube’), that it goes about its daily business as if floating on clouds of euphoria listening to its own personal chill out mix tape. not so. the moment london dwelling human enters the cavernous tube system, london dwelling human becomes an angry, raging beast… no, an angry, raging beast in a desperate hurry.

so surprising and extreme is this change in character, that i have taken it upon myself to compile a survival guide.

1. under no circumstances tell angry london dwelling human that [insert any number greater than 2] minutes is not a long time to wait for a tube (definitely do not point out how long it would have to wait if it lived in ‘the country’!).
2. always assume that angry london dwelling human is in a hurry right behind you. this will prevent such obvious errors as: i) stopping to read the route maps positioned at junctions or the top/bottom of stairs; ii) stopping at the ticket barrier to take out your ticket; iii) stopping to wait for the tube at the entrance to the platform; and iv) stopping in the doorway of the tube. in fact, just don’t stop.
3. be careful how you interpret the escalator signs. the left hand side is for walking, but mostly running. the right hand side is also for walking or running.
4. be prepared for snarling if you ask seated london dwelling human to move its bag so you can sit down.
5. under no circumstances attempt to engage london dwelling human in chitty chat. non-london dwelling human, however, might be open to inane communication. if unsure, initiate at your own peril.
6. be warned, a tube is not full until nobody can breathe.
7. if you have occupied london for more than 3 weeks, be aware that you are now angry london dwelling.

i do hope you find this guide useful. please feel free to add any points i’ve missed by way of chitty chat below.

point of interest: out-of-london-bus-timetable is the only thing my intergalactic translator has been unable to interpret. at this point, i’m unclear whether this is in fact evidence of a military code for use in the event of interplanetary war. if so, this lends weight to my theory that old woman human is definitely up to more than it is letting on, being the only variety of human apparently capable of decoding the mysteries of out-of-london-bus-timetable.